shaye st. john

Back in about 2000 – 2004 or so, I was on LiveJournal a lot, and through a friend I met a most fascinating person named Shaye St. John. Shaye created and starred in movies I had never before seen the likes of….deeply disturbing, at times hillariously funny, movies that made statements about our consumer culture and commercialism, about celebrity obsession, about outsiders and the shunned and disabled and unwanted. Shaye herself was very mysterious, and although she could be seen on videos and she blogged quite a lot on LiveJournal, her origins and location, and the story of her life were never revealed. Shaye was an internet celebrity and instant phenomena among all who took the time to read her blogs or watch her movies.

Who or what Shaye was exactly was a topic of discussion among me and a few friends. Was she a puppet? A truly handicapped and/or amputated person inside of a rigged costume of some kind? A little person? A man, a woman? Were these movies the result of the inner workings of a truly disturbed person or performance art, or maybe a little of both? We knew she was friends with Carl Crew and speculated that maybe Carl Crew was actually Shaye….and we also saw a name associated with some of the movies: Eric Fournier….who we didn’t know from LiveJournal or anywhere else, but were very curious about.

Shaye’s website: http://www.shayesaintjohn.net

Somehow out of our LiveJournal association, Shaye and I struck up an email correspondence. We talked about many different things, her for the most part keeping up the Shaye persona, but sometimes letting it drop a bit. I tried my best to stay respectful of her wish to keep an air of mystery around herself even though my curiosity was intense! She seemed to be online a lot….often late at night, or overnight. Sometimes I thought I could feel a kind of sadness or loneliness coming from her, of the staying up all night by yourself on the internet variety. She loved seeing pictures of my son River and especially liked one I sent her of him wearing a feather boa. We got around to discussing Shaye as an art project eventually, and one thing that she told me that I remember very clearly is that the fact that none of her videos contained blood, extreme violence or gore, no swearing, yet were able to scare and creep out so many people was something she took pride in and strove towards. I don’t remember a lot of what else we wrote to each other about. I do remember at one point when she slipped out of the Shaye persona and said to me, “You are a person who really “gets me” as an artist, you understand what I am doing and what I am about.” and I felt like that was the one of the biggest compliments I ever could have gotten.

At one point she asked me to make some digital recordings of my son making noises and send them to her, which I did happily. I can’t remember if Shaye asked me to have him say “Kiki!” (the name of one of her doll companions,) or if I prompted him to do it…however the result of the recordings I sent her was a song called “Kiki – AHHHH!” – a version of which ended up on her dvd “Shaye St. John – the Triggers Compilation.” The version of the song on the dvd was redone with my son’s voice taken out and a digital voice replacing it. At one point after she had made the original song, she asked me if I could send her more sounds made by my son – maybe asking him to say “Help me!” or sound scared or something like that. I was all about to do it, then for some reason I was hesitant about it and I don’t remember why. Maybe I didn’t feel good about the idea of a song going out that sounded like child torture…..maybe the fact that I really didn’t know one single thing about who Shaye was, or who the person behind her was, gave me pause… anyway it never happened, and I do regret that I didn’t carry on with what she wanted. After that things kind of died down a bit between us. I believe she asked me one time about the song, if she published it would I care, maybe if I would sign a release and things like that and I remember telling her to go ahead and use it, but she must not have felt 100 percent around that because the version that did come out publicly was the one with the digital voice:

Between 2004 and 2009 we occasionally exchanged friendly “what’s up” greetings online…..and in the summer of 2010 I was informed that Shaye had passed away. That Shaye was in fact an artist named Eric Fournier who was my age, and who struggled with alcoholism and eventually lost that battle.

Somewhere, on one of my old computers, I believe I have the original song file of “Kiki – AHHH!” and also I am hoping to find some of our correspondence. I would like to put the song in its original form online for Shaye’s fans to hear and appreciate. I would not share any private correspondence, however I would like to have it to re-read it.

A very good friend sent me a link to the video below earlier this month….which I just got around to watching today, with interest and amazement….maybe Shaye did not perish with Eric after all! The very thought of it is mind blowing. Shaye….if you’re out there….struggling in the witness protection program…..know that I am thinking of you often and praying for your swift return.

in which I become angry

I really debated about posting this here because it is all kinds of personal, but you know what, I really hardly ever get mad enough that I need to be dissuaded from actually punching someone. So that is a newish kind of thing. And also if any of my family is reading this you should know just what kind of a jerk Pam actually is. There, I said her name. You all need to stop making excuses for her, and/or if she is your wife or mother, please get her some help.

I had a phone call with my sister yesterday, in which she relayed to me that our mutual aunt who we have not spoken to in 7 years since our grandmothers death – because her horrific and undignified behavior around grandma’s physical possessions sickened us – had written her a letter. a shocking, horrible letter in which she detailed all of her delusional thoughts around what had happened and how my sister had committed some atrocious act by taking an old beat up dresser that grandma had said she could have. she also accused her of taking her baptismal gown, which is just really almost psychotic delusion, who would want that and why?? neither my sister nor myself is christian and none of our children are baptized as christians. she also accused her of taking a vacuum cleaner….which caused the aunt to be unable to vacuum the empty house for TWO YEARS? 1. no vacuum cleaner was taken; 2. if you need to vacuum so badly, drive 2 blocks down the road and borrow one from P. or buy a cheap one if it is causing you that much distress. The more I think about it….the more I think this aunt is really just seriously losing it and should maybe be medicated.

also she claimed everyone in the family besides her was unhelpful and a “taker” which is hillarious because R’s mom is the one that lived with grandma for the last 5 years of her life and took physical care of her every. single. day. while her health deteriorated, up to the point where she needed to be spoon fed and in diapers. but I guess that kind of giving does not count when you are focused on material items. right after grandma died….the aunt made sure that r’s mother was kicked out of the house in no time flat.

She went on to say that R. owes her an apology, that our entire generation is fucked up in comparison to hers, that anything R. or I have said to her about how she has made us feel since we were young children is complete hogwash “and she has hundreds of pictures to prove it.” how exactly can a person disprove my, and R’s, 100% real and actual feelings with photographs? do you see how this is all teetering onto total madness?

She talked about great grandma and how much she loved her and complained bitterly that she had only 2 physical items to remember and cherish her by…. as if having hundreds of cherished memories is not enough? the focus and obsession on physical objects is incomprehensible to me at this point.

The topper to this entire letter was that she then told R…..that reconciliation could be possible….if R simply accepted everything written in this letter and did not reply, respond, or engage at all by telling her side of the story….she was absolutely not interested in hearing anything R. had to say, she just wanted to dump all of this insanity and accusation onto her and not hear anything back, and then “start over”.

my sister has enough to deal with and boy, was I just ridiculously angry when she read this letter to me over the phone. I was 100% seriously ready to jump into the car and drive to state college right then and there to confront this bitch face to face and if I had, I would probably be in jail on assault charges right now. nobody fucks with my sister like that. R. had to calm me down and beg me not to do anything about it….she said it was her battle to fight. I suggested that we take the dresser from grandma’s house, the couch that she also has from grandma’s house, and buy a generic baptismal dress…..because really they all kind of look alike….douse them all in gasoline and send them up in flames, while making a video of the whole thing, holding up signs that said “Hi Aunt P.!” and then mail it to her. I am still seriously ready to do that. all R has to do is to say the word and I will be driving to vermont the next day with a flip cam.

weirdly and sadly for my aunt….I have a gold cross that belonged to great grandma that I feel weird about having since I am not a christian, but I can’t just let it go like that because of the sentimental value. I would have been happy to have given it to her since physical objects are so much more important to her than anything else. but oh well, I guess I’m just going to keep it. maybe I will frame it and hang it on the wall somewhere. jesus taught compassion and love for all.

I should strive to find that kind of compassion for her obvious mental illness but right now I can’t. when your illness turns into a desire and an impetus to hurt others through your vicious words and insinuations…..and when the one that you hurt is the only person in the world that I have……oh I just can’t be okay with that at all.